Mother, by Ashley Green

stuborn, stuborn
why must i be so stuborn?
mother you have told me once,
no need to tell me twice
but you hardly take that advice.
warn me once more,
make it ever clear to me now,
i am not who i was before.
no longer that tiny infant
eyes wet with neglect.
no longer that little girl
hair cut short around those round cheeks,
dimples you rarely seen.
no longer that young lady
desperately begging for attention.
no longer that teenager
desperately hanging onto that last
sliver of hope.
too thin to grasp,
it fell from my grip
and im left on the ground
trying to recover it.
i am now a woman
believe it or not.
you cannot take that away from me,
i've earned it.
my own mind, my own time.
my own feelings, my own ryhme.
if you need some understanding
i'll lend you mine.
and we can go on pretending
everything's just fine.

-ashley green

A little bit of insanity;

Sitting with a bunch of useless thoughts that keep circling around in your head can make anyone go crazy, eventually. Why choose to put yourself through so much trouble of holding onto little things that can so easily be thrown out the window? Why is it always harder to let things go when you hurt the most? Doesn't it make more sense to let things go when they are most unwanted rather than not? Am I even making any sense at all?
Why do I feel so compelled to write right now, when I know that I have nothing worth saying?

I feel anxious, and nothing seems to be helping. I guess there are a number of things I could do to try and relieve this horrible feeling.. Perhaps I could scream into my pillow, or maybe even cry into it. Or I could go for a run around the block. I could call someone or just pray in my head if speaking seems too hard to do right now. I could write a poem, or sing a song, or count the stars in the sky. I could pet my cat or make some tea, take a bath or meditate. Or I could just sit at my computer and write about all of the things I could do, because deep down I really don't want to do any of them, and talking about it seems much more appealing, which in the end actually helps a little.

Well I have to say, this has been a useless entry, with nothing of importance being said whatsoever. On that note, I will go now and watch some silly youtube videos or look at silly pictures to try and laugh a little of this tension off.

Until next time.....

Gods canvas,.

I watch as the colors of the sky shift and change places,
mixing and forming new ones.
I stare in awe at the invisible paint brush playing with the sunset.
The sky is Gods canvas,
and I know He must be inspired tonight.
And the sun is holding so much light,
so big and beautiful and bright.
I close my eyes and pretend I am there,
being held in it's warm embrace.
Cradled like a child, with a smile on my face,
because I know no other moment could take this ones place.
My eyes open, still burning from the sun
as I watch it sink down into the sea,
taking one last dip in the hazy horizon,
before making its way to someone elses sky,
someones "good morning" is someone elses "goodbye".

-Ashley Green

Moments in time.

It doesn't feel like winter tonight, the air barely bites at my skin. The smell of rain lingers in through my bedroom window and sends me back in time, to a place much different than here.
When I was a child, I always loved the smell after it rained. I would go outside and pretend to be in a different world, somewhere happy and magical, somewhere I had never been before. The sun would be setting over the mountains, a light breeze would send the smell of the wet ground deep into my nostrils and I would soar through the front yard, arms stretched out wide, flying through time. I was a bird, flying and existing somewhere that only existed in my mind. I was as content as any child could be. I was free.
It's sad that we can't go back in time and relive the moments that are priceless. Moments that mean so much to us now, but at the time were normal. Little moments, like walking in through the front door on a cold winter day only to find your grandma in the kitchen making a delicious dinner, a smile on her face as she peeled potatoes and sang old church hymnals to herself. And you cant remember anything about that day, other than your grandma and the way her smile radiated sunshine brighter than any summer day ever could have. The smell of her perfume as she reached down to give you a taste of her homemade gravy, and the comfort you felt inside knowing you were completely at home with her.
It was moments like those that molded and shaped us into who are today. They made us who we are, and they will always be with us, no matter how many more days we pile on top of them. I guess it's easy to say that we probably are making moments like that all of the time, we just don't know it. Getting caught up in the moment is really easy. Forgetting who we are, and why we are here is something we get too familiar with. We act on impulse, react instead of reply, and then those "moments" we make are not good, but bad. If there was a way for us to just remember all of this, maybe we could live life a little easier and start making good moments so that in time we will have good memories, and not so many bad ones anymore. But no matter how hard we try there will always be some bad moments, no matter what. And that's okay, because the bad moments mold us as well. Every little life experience we go through is constantly changing us and turning us into something different and unique.

A great day to be alive.

There's nothing better than being content in your own skin. To be okay with who you are, and everything in your life. I don't have much to show for my 22 years of life, but I do have a lot on the inside that is completely irreplaceable and priceless. I have worked hard to contain such an outlook, and I will not let that outlook change just because of little things in my life that don't go the way I want them to. I have a lot to be grateful for.
I haven't done drugs in 136 days and that is a miracle that I thank God for every single day. There are a lot of people out there suffering in their addiction, wondering why they are even alive right now because they feel they have no meaning and their life is pointless. There are people who will never get the chance at a clean and sober life. Never get the opportunity to change, to grow, to treat themselves the way they deserve to be treated.. And as much as it hurts to acknowledge this, it also makes me extremely thankful to be me today.
I know that I will have not so good days, and bad days, and I am okay with that because I know that there will always be a better day. A day where even if there is no sunshine outside, there is sunshine in my heart. A day where I love myself for who I am so that I am able to love you for who you are. A day where I will have hope and courage to live my life to the best of my ability because I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is good today, and if I am blessed enough to wake up in the morning I am pretty sure tomorrow will be a good day too.
Thank you God for my life and everything you bless me with on a daily basis.

Let us formulate a meaning.

Let us begin to feel alive again.
Let us forget the world once more.
Let us welcome curiosity.
Let us leave behind judgement.
Let us fall.